No Pain No Gain

Today already second day of October.. 

Erm.. I already calm for two days.. Quite not bad.. 

I'm enjoying my life.. As a single one.. :) 

Last week just like a zombie.. This week looks different.. 

Everyone think I'm just pretend tough.. But, Actually I'm not.. 

Last Thurs, 27.9.2012.. I will remember this date.. 

Noon time : Our conversation still the sweet.. still the heartest... 

But who knows night time we break up.. 

Is all about I bring up the issue : EX... 

I really don't mind he message with his ex.. but, the phobia is still there... 

How do he expect me to take off the phobia & forget what he had promised me... 

I still remember the message.. 

"Hi.. I think this is the last time we contact each other.. My GF know about this & she very upset about this.. Hope you understand.. Take care.. " 

I do felt happy that time.. Cause it shows he care me.. Love me.. 

This is what he promised to do.. But end up.. :( 

Not to say I'm super sensitive person.. If the person cares me enough.. give me security.. I won't think too much.. I won't demand much.. 

But.. I can't get it from him.. Since he cannot give me, I demanded him to tell me who & where he go with whenever he want to out.. This is simple.. 

Doesn't matter from beginning he is the one who control me.. Don't allow me go out with guy friends... EX with ex colleagues... 

Is fine for me.. As I respect he as my BF.. i respect our r/ship.. So i will do it.. 

But.. too bad.. Now turns up is I being blame as over control.. 

Sigh... From the day i lost my freedom.. I put my focus point on him.. I wait him back from work.. Talk with me.. Chat with me.. Share with me about him.. Everything... This will make me feel imbalance when He is back at late.. & I'm alone.. Thats why he felt that I show face to him.. 

I think after his ex turns up during early of Jan which i get to know about them.. Our r/ship just turns to bad side.. 

Not to say I fully blame her... If our love is stable enough.. I don't think she can step in.. 

But.. Don't bluff to me that she can't accept herself be third party.. She just not satisfied that now her ex life is getting better & damn regretted break up with him.. 

Who is not selfish?! Human is selfish..

Don't know since when.. The feeling coming back.. I felt someone there.. Stepping in slowly.. 

Sometimes I just tell myself.. I just too sensitive.. 

But, sometimes in a relationship.. When you really heart that person, eventually u can sense what i sense now.. 

No surprise.. because of her.. we argued again... 

No offended.. If not because of guilty why want throw so big temper? 

Just because of FREEDOM?! 

Hahaha.. Maybe because of no love.. so he will found out a lot of negative issue from my side.. 

yea.. Maybe I just not like her.. Giving a lot of freedom to him.. They can busy till not texting.. no calling... 

Few days only contact once... Yea.. This is the Freedom that he want, Which is can search from his ex which I think he thinks that is the suitable way for him..  

For me.. That's not healthy.. Yea.. Maybe you can say U TRUST HIM/HER.. so no need to report.. 

Yea.. TRUST can turns to BETRAY.. 

Is like a best friend.. When I need you.. U appear.. When I'm busy, U get lost.. 

Yea.. Friend could be treat like this.. Neither to GF/BF.. 

I thought he r ready.. To get into stable r/ship.. Future r/ship.. Till Marriage.. Till the end.. 

Yeap.. He told me this.. He told me HE IS READY at first... 

When he started to say "I'm not ready.." I should know what happen next.. 

He just don't want to be with you.. No longer love you.. 

I just.. don't want face it... 

I'm fine now... I'm awake.. As I already tried my best.. to get back him.. to beg.. to pull back... 

Do something that I cannot imagine, & i did it.. 

Ya.. At that time, all i can say is LOVE REALLY BLIND... 

Until now.. I do love him. Even though how harsh his words throw toward me.. 

Those words for me.. Maybe I think is just your anger.. For others, they will totally get mad... 

ANNOYED.. IRRITATING.. such wording is nothing surprise which comes from him.. 

Is not the first time when he in anger.. I try to talk with him.. Then I will get ANNOYED/IRRITATED words .. 

I know his characteristic.. He is in anger.. Just don't hope people disturb.. 

This is him... 

Because of loving him.. I will try to control my temper.. From my fire level, I last time needs 1 day to recover.. With him already, I have shorten my cooling down time. Yeap.. Sometimes, I just felt that he just get used of my fast recover temper.. Till, he is lazy.. to talk / cheers me.. 

Actually, after our r/ship turns to not that good.. day by day.. I felt that.. I'm the only one in the r/ship... 

Loving him more n more.. He loving me lesser & lesser.. till I lost his respect on me as GF.. 

Hahaha.. Kinda failure hor.. 

But.. I'm willing.. That's love there.. 

Ya... I already accepted that I being pull out from the r/ship with him.. I don't care who is the one.. Just, thank you. 

Thank you for making me felt hurt.. Hurt till now I have no tear to drop... The heart is like going stop beating... 

Yeap.. Till now the feeling still there.. Pain.. 

Thanks for everything.. I never regret be with him... 

I just hope... When he is back, we can back to be friend like last time we did.. Best friend.. Even not always chat.. But.. I do hope.. Don't ask me say the word break up.. I really cant take it.. I can't call a off for my love by myself.. Please say it by own.. Like this I will feel better.. Truly will be better.. 

Erm... So far.. I think I already prepared.. As I know.. the answer still BREAK UP.. Frankly, from his wordings, already so obvious he not going to try anymore.. just wan full stop.. but why... still want drag...

Just I'm too stupid to believe that he do will think how appreciate I am.. Believe him that he will consider as per what we been go through... Hahaha.. Love always make people stupid.. Anyways... I will always remember that I loved you.. I missed you.. Deep inside my heart.. 

Thank you for those who concern me.. especially my family.. 

I know.. these few days, My face just like... shit... 

Eat no mood.. Sleep no mood... Do nothing.. Just cried.. 

I know you guys just worried about me.. 

Worried I will do something stupid.. I won't... Promised.. 

SYANE... Please hwaiting with me... I know you are suffer there.. 

I understand your feeling.. Those love that cannot be continue... 

Just stay tough.. Be strong... Cried when you feel crying.. Don't keep.. It do helps...

Remember: 

家人永远是最好的避风港... 

-XOXO-